Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag

What was I thinking when I ventured into the movie theater, taking with me two colleagues (who I knew would skin me alive, boil my remains and pour salt all over me; all on the next day itself, if the movie was anything less than entertaining) and sauntering in with a nonchalant look on my face. My fears were confirmed in the first scene itself, when my partners in crime started looking menacingly at me.

Summary
Since RGV expects you to be well versed with the original Sholay before you step into the hall, he doesn't seem to have considered any build-up necessary for the characters.
So you are saddled with two out of work guys; Heero (Ajay Devgan, with a bad hairstyle and a worse attitude) and Raj (Prashant Raj, not as bad as imagined) who have come over to Mumbai to seek employment.
They end up helping inspector Narsimha (Mohanlal, with a thick accent and a thicker beard) catch a few goons, and in the process get in his good books. After a brief jail stint for them, Mohanlal calls them over to help him get rid of Babban (Amitabh Bachchan in a role more wacky than the one in Boom, and looking and sounding more psychotic than in that outing; if that's possible).
Amitabh is eager to lay his hands on a prime piece of sea-facing land called Kaliganj, with an over the top bunch of characters ranging from an the shrieky Rasika Joshi as Gangu Mummy to Virendra Saxena doing a Naqvi Saab to Ravi Kale's Pradhan.
Since a linear narrative doesn't do much for the film, let me just provide a collage of scenes, which you can paste around in any order to get the same confused effect.

• Ajay Devgan goes on with the famous suicide scene long after our patience has ended and we so wish someone would push him into the well as he doesn't seem too eager to pull the trigger.
• Prashant Raj dies in a scene few millenniums after we had already started wishing for his early death.
• In a gory scene, Amitabh saws off Mohanlal's fingers leaving him with a pitiable 'Look Ma, no Hands' expression throughout the movie.
  The rest of the movie consists of RGV doing the same sawing action on our frayed nerves with a rusty saw which squeaks and shrieks all the way down.
• Amitabh doing a strange Jim Carrey (as Riddler in Batman Forever) inspired dance when he finds his trusted aide Tambhe dying.
  
• Badly shot action scenes in a studio; a few runarounds in an old mill and Amitabh hobbling around in his den (which reminds you of a junk goods shop).
• Deeply thoughtful and philosophical messages sent to and fro with dead bodies which read:
  Remark: Main Gandhi nahi hoon
  Riposte: Hum bhi Gandhi nahi hain!
• A modified Russian roulette with goons who have been bashed by Ajay Devgan and Prashant Raj
  

Did I forget something (blame it on the little rest I have had due to the recurrent nightmares I got after seeing this movie); oh yes, Nisha Kothari strutting her stuff around (we mostly get to see her butt due to RGVs fetishes) and Sushmita Sen with her head covered moving around in loud silences (wish she had covered her face too, to escape the charge of acting in this monstrosity).
Our grief ends with the killing of Amitabh with a cleaver in his back; though I am still unclear on who killed him (understandable due to the dark frames and crazy camera angles). I did not have the heart or the idiocy to wake up anyone to ask them this question, and tiptoed my way out of the auditorium to save my life from vengeful friends with elephantine memories.

Actors
Amitabh Bachchan looks like a cross between a beggar with an army background and a school-kid with a temper problem. This is probably his worst get-up in any movie yet, but somehow, he still manages to infuse a manic reality to his character. The only problem is that the coldblooded, ruthless and menacing Gabbar of Sholay has been replaced with a psychotic, blabbering maniac who mumbles occasionally when he runs out of inane dialogues and blows spittle and air through his lips to make his opponents shudder.
Mohanlal as a grizzly bear with unkempt fur seems to be in the wrong movie for all the wrong reasons. He has nothing much to do but to drink coffee holding a cup in his palms and roll his eyes with fury every once in a while (since he can't use his hands while acting as he usually likes to do).
Ajay Devgan is miscast. We wish we could slap him for attempting slapstick, which is not his forté. He seriously needs to reinvent himself, as his silent brooding look is overdone too.
Prashant Raj is someone who would have been vilified if the movie was worth anything; but in the absence of any stellar performances, his attitude stands out. He is way better than what I had imagined him to be.
Nisha Kothari hasn't grown up, and neither has RGV while featuring her anatomy.
Sushmita Sen doesn't have much of a role to talk of, and Rajpal Yadav is irritating to the core with a screechy voice which goes on like a bad record.

Technique
Ram Gopal Varma totally loses it in this movie. This is probably the worst movie he has made, even surpassing his remake of Shiva to gain the coveted title of worst movie of 2006-07.
He was the guy who broke all formulas; who brought in a breath of fresh air to staid old Hindi cinema. It's with regret that we see the slide into stupidity of our favorite director. This was the proverbial 100th mistake of our Shishupala, which we cannot forgive. We had long ago promised to excuse his sorry movies taking into account the brilliant Satya, Company et al. He has used up all of that credit, and needs to beware of our wrath now.
The dim lighting, tilted camera angles, scant regard for script, unusual framing, all of it has dissolved into another formula which he needs to break out of; before we dare venture into any of his films again.
The cinematography by Amit Roy seems good technically, but leaves the viewer dizzy.
Dialogues by Sajid-Farhad are idiotic and constitute the worst part of the enterprise. The writer Raahil Qazi seems to have had the easiest job, since there seems to be no effort whatsoever in that department.
Background music by Amar Mohile is shrill. The songs, barring the Mehbooba number are plain bad. The picturisation of the Mehbooba number leaves one wondering if RGV thought Mehbooba refers to an anatomical part.


Trivia

1. Earlier the movie was titled Ram Gopal Varma Ke Aag. Someone with basic knowledge of Hindi must have pointed out the error to RGV and it was changed immediately.
2. The working title for the movie was Ram Gopal Varma Ke Sholay, but was later changed to Aag. This is the first time in the Hindi movie industry that a director's name has been included in the movie title; so much for modesty.
3. Katrina Kaif was originally shortlisted to play the role later played by Sushmita. RGV made some changes to the script (??? rather make that: He lost his script scribbled on a paper napkin) and zeroed in on Sushmita for the role.
4. Abhishek was originally penciled in to play the role of Veeru, and RGV find Mohit Ahlawat was to play Jai. Abhishek stepped out citing date problems and Mohit had a fight with the director, making him search some more guinea pigs.
5. Himesh Reshammiya was supposed to sing the Mehbooba song in this movie, but he had other thoughts. He used the song in his own movie, Aap Ka Suroor and left RGV high and dry. Asha Bhonsle was to do the song too, but the final version of the film credits Sunidhi Chauhan.
6. Bappi Lahiri too had recorded two songs for the film, which were not retained.
7. Amitabh had tried hard to convince Ramesh Sippy (the maker of the original Sholay) to allow him to play Gabbar Singh in the original. Ramesh did not agree, but Amitabh got to fulfill his wish in this movie.
8. For a long time, Dharmendra wanted to remake Sholay with Bobby Deol and Abhishek Bachchan playing the roles immortalized by their fathers in the original.
   
9. Prashant Raj was the first runner-up in the Grasim Mr India 2004 contest.
10. The movie has two actors from the original Sholay, Amitabh Bachchan as Babban, and Sachin (who had played Ahmed, to Hangal's Imaam Saheb) as his brother (a character not present in the original).
11. Manoj Bajpai and Suniel Shetty were offered the role of Tambhe (Samba in the original) later played by Sushant Singh.

Verdict
Strictly avoid under pain of torturous death. I am still hiding from my friends and running around in disguise (Amitabh has given me a few ideas in that department with this movie).
Will post my next review if I manage to save myself from my ex-friends/sworn enemies.